The one about when Janis Joplin vomited in my Taxi Cab

Hi there again. It has been a long while since before, and I am sorry. It is just that I have been very not well for a little while. My body is falling apart, but my mind is as fresh as a mint julep at a picture show. Also, going to the pictures is too expensive now. It used to cost nothing, a nickel maybe. Now, going to the pictures, it costs more than I made in two years at my first job in 1874.

But in 1970, on August 14 I am thinking, I was in Port Arthur Texas, and I was driving a taxi cab there because I had run over an Irish policeman in New York City, so I had to leave there for a little while.

So I am driving this taxi-cab, and this crazy looking shiksa lady waves to me, and she gets in, and her name is Janis Joplin. She says she is scared for going to her high school reunion or something. People, she said, made fun of her. To be fully honest with you, I probably would have made fun of her too. She was crazy looking, with colored hair and glasses and so much jewelry the Queen of England would be put to shame, only it looked very cheap, and I know cheap.

But she was nervous and she threw up in my car because I think she was drunk this Janis lady. She made a great mess of my car, but she said she was sorry.

Seven years earlier, nearby in Dallas Texas, John F. Kennedy made a great mess in a car, but he did not apologize for it.

Thank you,
-Morty Horowitz

The one when Ronald Reagan was shot and Amelia Earhart wasn't

Hello again. I am sorry because I told you that I was going to tell you a story everyday. Unfortunately, since last Tuesday, I was lost in the park, and had to sleep in a collapsed badger burrow where I did not get service for my Blueberry. But I am back now, so here is a good story.

In 1981 when I was 118 years old, I was waiting outside the Washington Hilton Hotel to see the President Ronald Reagan. I liked him very much in the movie Kings Row and thought I could get his autograph maybe.

He did other movies, but they were not very good.

But I was in this crowd and the President Ronald Reagan comes out and waves to the crowd, and then this man he steps forward and shoots at Mr. President Reagan with a gun. He hit some other people, but he did not kill the President Ronald Reagan, but oy, vey is mir, he startled me.

So this man who shot at the President Ronald Reagan was named John Hinkley Jr. Boy was this kid crazy. He said he did this thing to impress this girl Jodie Foster, a teenage prostitute who played herself in the movie Taxi Driver. She was not impressed. But later she became a successful actress who helped catch a cannibal in The Silence of the Lambs. I do not like cannibalism.

I tried it once on the island of Ua Huka in 1937, but it was not for me. Ms. Earhart was not so tasty.

The one with Mel Gibson when he was drunk

Hello there. Here is another story for you to read.

A few years ago, in 2006 I think, the man from Braveheart and What Women want, Mel Gibson, he was arrested for drunk driving. I saw his car drive by, he was crazy I thought. So I called 911 and told them how I don't mean to kvetch, but I was walking down the street in Malibu, California and how it was very late and I got lost and was now in Malibu when I meant to be in Malibu Heights, and how this guy in this fancy lexus car was driving like crazy.

They arrested him and he was drunk and he said some very bad things about the Jews, But I liked that movie Lethal Weapon 4.

Also, Mel Brooks is not circumsized. Please do not ask how I know this.

Sincerely,
-Morty Horowitz

The one about that Charlie Chaplin picture I saw

Hello again. Here is another story.

For a long time, a man called Charlie Chaplin was very famous. He made pictures that were very funny.

Then, in 1939, I thought that his brother had started making his own films. But this was not his brother. It was a very bad man named Adolf Hitler who was making these terrible movies.

Most of the pictures he made were not as entertaining. Maybe he would have been more popular if his pictures maybe had some comic relief. But Adolf Hitler did not make me laugh very often. Except when he invaded France.

Sincerely,
-Morty Horowitz

The one about when I thought I saw Miley Cyrus

Hi there. I have another story. Here it is.

Three months ago, I was vacationing in Pasadena, California. I enjoy the heat, though I try not to perspire too much.

So I was in Pasadena, and I was sipping a cup of warm milk in front of a Starbucks Coffee House when I thought I saw Miley Cyrus, but it was not her.

It was only Lizzie Maguire. Or whatever her name might be. The ugly shiksa, you know. But she was carrying a Hannah Montana purse.

I should not have gotten my hopes up, because I should know better. Miley Cyrus wouldn't carry a Hanna Montana purse.

Sincerely,
-Morty Horowitz

The one where Mr Walt Disney spilled his soup

Hi there again. Hello. I am going to tell you another story, so here is the story.

I have had many different jobs in my life. One of the jobs that I had in my life was when I was a mopper at the Walt Disney Company. A mopper is also called a janitor. Mostly, a mopper just cleans up schmutz.

The was a lot of schmutz at the Walt Disney Company.

There was the time in 1932 when Mr. Walt Disney was eating a bowl of soup in his office. I think it was a bowl of borscht, or maybe cabbage soup, because Mr. Walt Disney was a secret homosexual. This confused me, because Mr. Walt Disney was an intolerant person towards some people, including other homosexuals, Jews, clowns, and the heads of rival movie studios. But this did explain why he ate so much cabbage. I also enjoy cabbage, but unlike Mr. Walt Disney I am not a fagele.

So anyways, this one time when Mr. Walt Disney was eating this bowl of soup, he spilled it on the floor of his office. The soup went all over the place and the bowl broke and the pieces were everywhere. It was my job as a mopper to clean it up. So I got a mop and I cleaned up the shmutz. Then Mr. Walt Disney he said "Morty, hey, hello. How are you? Thank you for cleaning up the schmutz Morty."

Most people do not know that Fantasia was based on a true story.

Sincerely,
-Morty Horowitz

The one with Mark Twain and Sammy Davis Jr.

Hi there. Hello again. Here is a story for you again already.

In 1867, me and my older brother Chaim gave a tour around Palestine to a very nice man with white hair. I was only four years old then, and I was not the oldest man alive then. My older brother Chaim was eleven years old, but this man seemed very old to me, and his name was Mark Twain. He was visiting the area and it was called Palestine then, but now it is Israel.

My family had visited Palestine but my parents were I think killed in a well or by a bird or something, so it was only my older brother Chaim and me for to show this old man Mark Twain around.

I do not think he enjoyed his visit.

Then, in 1954, Sammy Davis Jr. converted to Judaism.

Coincidence? I think not!

Sincerely,
-Morty Horowitz